For so long, I've been in denial.
Wishing for something that is not.
This girl.
Who loathes being covered in sand.
Who doesn't like that crispy feeling after swimming in the salty sea.
Who has fair skin, burns after an hour, and needs to get honest with herself about making a trip to the dermatologist.
This girl makes no secret that the beach is not my happy place.
I come alive in the woods and around fresh water. Maybe because that's where I spend my formative years - living alongside a crystal clear river that begins at a beautiful spring.
I've been longing to return to that place and live alongside that river - we even gave it a go, but it didn't work out, so we ended up back here.
For all this time, I've been holding on to this dream that we'd be somewhere, anywhere in the woods, alongside a fresh water source.
We live near this lovely little beach in a town that is so full of people who are unlike me.
When we lived in the city, everyone was just everyone.
No one judged, no one cared.
You could drive a pinto or a range rover, and no one batted an eye either way.
When we lived in the city, if you put on your blinker on a crowded highway, someone made way for you to change lanes.
But this town.
In this town, you may be run right off a bridge if you would like to merge when your lane is ending.
This town is full of transplanted people who come from somewhere very different than where I come from.
There is no melting pot to mix the different types of people, for they are all nearly the same, save for a few.
This town is full of what you call "new money," and I have learned that "no money" is far better than "new money" in terms of kindness offered to strangers.
Many here have to be better.
Before.
First.
More.
I don't even know if they realize what they are.
It only takes joining a local facebook group and observing how people talk to each other to make you cringe.
I've never seen anything like it.
Driven by ego.
Crotchety.
Joseph Campbell said, "When you get to be older, and the concerns of the day have all been attended to, and you turn to the inner life - well, if you don't know where it is or what it is, you'll be sorry."
I wrote this post to convince myself that acceptance is my key to happiness. That this is where we are, so this is where we're meant to be, and that I should turn my attention to the present instead of dreaming for what may come one day.
I thought that putting it to words would help me pull up my boots and move on, but you know what? I can't.
I will always long for a place where I can be among the tall trees, and listen to the birds and the running water, but I think what I'm truly longing for is to be surrounded by different energy.
Loving energy.
Accepting energy.
Putting people before yourself energy.
Until then, I will spend more of my time in our city to the north, which has much more of a "kindness vibe," and learn to appreciate the beach more, because our little neighboring beach town truly is lovely - especially in the evenings when the sun has begun to fade.
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