Becoming "The Crazy Mom"

I keep asking myself, "What the heck is wrong with me?"  How did I become that mom.  The one who's every move is dictated by her baby - whether he's napped or not, when the last time he fed was, and how often (or what color) he poops.  Who won't leave the house for fear of throwing off his schedule.

I feel like a prisoner.  A prisoner of my own home and of my own making.  

When I had my first son, by the end of the first month I had gotten into the swing of things and was back to living life as usual (almost) but with a baby in tow.  

We took a trip to Sea World when baby was only 7 weeks old! By 10 weeks, we were already beachin' it, and by 6 months, my baby boy had been out of state twice, and even had his first water park experience.

I'd rather have a root canal than take my new little lipshen to Sea World right now (and he's already 15 weeks)!  I just (as in last week) took baby boy to the grocery store alone for the first time.  And I kid you not, as I was holding my sweet little bundle the other day, this thought crossed my mind:  "Oh, my gosh. I was eating peanuts.  What if his little hand holding my finger gets peanut residue on it and he puts it in his mouth and he dies?!"

Seriously?!

That can't be normal. So again, I ask myself, "what the heck is wrong with me when it comes to this new baby?!"  What happened between 6 years ago and now that has made me such a freakazoid?

At first, I wondered if it was because I had him naturally, and unmedicated, and that the experience had given me some sort of super-connection with my sweet baby boy, but with my first born, I remember actually waking up at night 30-45 seconds before he'd start crying, like we had a strange psychic bond and that doesn't happen with this new little one.

Then, I wondered if it could be because we were exclusively breastfeeding, and that was giving us a crazy bond so that I was focused on nothing but him.

Or, maybe he's just a different person than my first born, so his needs (and my needs to fulfill them) are different.  Or maybe it's because I'm older.  Or maybe it's because I know more now than I did with my first born and as they say, ignorance is bliss.

Maybe it's all of the above and none of it at the same time.  Maybe I'm just over thinking everything and came into this pregnancy having set expectations and goals based on what "they" say makes me a good mother:  

 - I will exclusively breastfeed.

 - I will have an unmedicated, natural childbirth

 - I will cloth diaper

 - I will baby-wear

 - I will blah, blah, blah

There is so much pressure out there now for new moms.  So many opportunities to question yourself about whether or not you're doing the latest recommended things for your baby, or using the latest recommended gear....

Toys from China?  eek! - bad Mom

The tv's on during the daytime? - bad Mom

Supplementing with formula?! - bad Mom

Letting him cry for more than 5 minutes while you drive home from the grocery store (you took him out of the house?! - germs!) - bad Mom

Vaccinate/don't vaccinate.

Circumcision or intact?

You're washing him with regular baby soap?!  Those chemicals bring out female hormones in boys!!

Come on!  I can't live like this anymore.  I think it's unhealthy for myself and my baby for me to be a neurotic mother who second guesses everything so that she's making the perfect choice for her baby.  The perfect choice for my baby is unconditional love from a healthy mom.    

Maybe I just need to remember that perfect is different for everyone, and that my first born was a formula drinking, disposable diaper wearing baby who was constantly slathered in Johnson and Johnson's lotion, and man, that kid is awesome.  

I'm going to stop worrying so much about being the mom that everyone says I should be, and be the mom I am.  And if my kid ends up just like his big brother - well, that will be fine by me. 

*Do you feel like there's more pressure than ever before to be a "perfect parent?"